OneBad versus the Turkish Subway Token Machine

3 Jul

I see you, Turkish subway token machine.  It took me a minute, seeing as how this station consists of something like a square mile of ant tunnels plastered in creepy cell phone ads featuring a freaktastic bear and (inexplicably) concert promos for Nickelback. But I found you.

You’re waiting at the bottom of that escalator, next to a bunch of gates that presumably take tokens I can procure by stuffing money into your innards. But not just any money. I see all five of these ATMs at the top of the escalators. You might think that because this is Istanbul and I’m a silly foreigner, you can fool me, but I know better. You want my cash money. I’m just going to stop right here at this ATM and remove some cash money for you.

Well, isn’t this neat. This ATM has handed me a 50 Turkish Lira note. That’s nice, and it’s quite pretty, but the last thing I want to do is accidentally buy enough subway rides for a cruise ship’s worth of visor-wearing, fanny pack-saddled tourists. Haha. Yes,  that’s funny because cruise ships do actually come here and they do actually wear that.

I think the boat was over in this here blue part.  Is that what you think, Joleesa?

What’s that?

Well, yes, I am also a tourist, but I’m not wearing a fanny pack, so, you know.

Anyway, I’m going to head over to this Starbucks I found in one of these ant passages to break this 50 so as to avoid an embarrassing mishap, what do you think about that?

“Merhaba,” I say. [Did you see that, token machine? I said hello to the guy in Turkish]

“Do you speak english? Just this please.”

Hey, guess what, subway machine. I have change now, and I am coming for your tokens!

No, calm down, I was just joking. I’m just gonna buy one, like everyone else. Haha. Yeah, Americans ARE total dicks.

Alright, I’m just gonna press this British flag button here so I can understand you. *presses British flag button*

*shouting* “EĞER APTAL. EĞER TÜRKÇE BILMEYEN!”

No, Jesus, why. I just meant to… *presses British flag button repeatedly*

“BILET SATIN ALMAK ISTIYOR MUSUNUZ? SIZE APTAL ÇOK KÖTÜ.”

Ohmigod. Shutup. Shutup. SHUT UP.

A bored-looking attendant wanders over.

“Can I help you?” he asks.

“I just…how does it work?” I squeak, and the attendant pushes several buttons which result in you being quiet and handing me tokens.

You’re a jerk, subway token machine. You know that?

*kicks wall next to machine*

Yeah, what. You better be scared.

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One Response to “OneBad versus the Turkish Subway Token Machine”

  1. monikainamerica July 3, 2012 at 2:49 am #

    Istanbul isn’t that scary after all, I hoped you enjoyed your time in that fabulous city :)))

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