Terror in the CUBE.

12 Mar

Have you seen Showgirls?  If not, I’ll wait while you go youtube the audition scene, cause I really need you to have a visual on what I’m about to tell you. In fact, in light of some eerie similarities to both Showgirls and A Chorus Line in this story, as well as the whole musical theatre theme of this post in general, I’m going to give you the scene in script form.

Ready?

Ok.

[Cast]

The One Everyone Hates: Long curly blonde hair, looks like a barbie doll and can do triple pirouettes

The One Everyone Would Hate if The One Everyone Hates Hadn’t Shown Up: She’s also very good, but brunette

At Least We’re Not That Girl: Late, forgot her headshot, wearing a T-shirt, crazy eyes

Legs McLegs: 6’1″

OneBadYamPajama

30ish other dancers

along with,

Farnsworth: rakish club manager in rumpled suit who may or may not own a boat

Bubbly Dance Captain: bubbly dance captain

Taco Bill: offbeat casting director with crazy hair who house dances around the room throughout entire audition

[Scene]

An audition for a burlesque dance club in New York City

Pictures: they're worth a thousand words

Dancers are lounging on couches in a room in a club called The Cube in tight tank tops and short shorts.

Taco Bill: dances up to a table in the center of the room “Everyone! Girls! We’re going to get started.” he counts off ten girls “You ten get on the stage, and everyone else find a place on the floor. Then we’ll switch out groups until everyone gets to see the choreography straight on.” dances off somewhere

The One Everyone Hates: looks around, removes shirt before getting on stage so she’s just wearing a bra and shorts.

All Dancers: look around, grumble, remove shirts so they are now also only wearing bras and shorts

Bubbly Dance Captain: “Alright, we’re going to learn a pretty standard dance here, it goes …1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…”

At Least We’re Not That Girl: shows up 

Bubbly Dance Captain: “And then the second part goes …1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…”

Floor Dancers: look over shoulders while trying to learn dance backwards, one looks between her legs while upside down, At Least We’re Not That Girl falls off couch

Bubbly Dance Captain: “With music now, are we ready?”

The One Everyone Hates: “Yep!” giggles

The One Everyone Would Hate if The One Everyone Hates Hadn’t Showed Up: also giggles

At Least We’re Not That Girl: “Wait, did they teach it already?”

Farnsworth: speaking into microphone “Playback”

Burlesque song begins playing over PA system. All dancers perform audition sequence once. 

Farnsworth: “We’re going to have you go up in groups of three.”

Taco Bill: House dances across stage

Farnsworth: “So I’m going to count you off in threes now”

Taco Bill: House dances backwards across stage

The One Everyone Hates: looks around, removes shorts so she is now wearing a bra and sparkly underwear

All Dancers: look around, grumble, remove shorts

At Least We’re Not That Girl: “Oops, I forgot my headshot!” makes crazy eyes at Farnsworth

Farnsworth: “Um… that’s ok”

At Least We’re Not That Girl: makes additional crazy eyes

Assembled dancers go onstage and perform choreography in groups of threes. The One Everyone Hates does three pirouettes before starting and smiles like a Dallas cheerleader the entire time. 

Farnsworth: “Alright, if I call your name, you’re free to go” calls 20 names while dancers grimace and cross fingers

The names stop

Everyone remaining: “whew”

Taco Bill: “Ha, you guys should do it like this!” House dances down center aisle

Farnsworth: “Can The One Everyone Hates, The One Everyone Would Hate if The One Everyone Hates Hadn’t Shown Up and Legs McLegs get onstage please?”

The three chosen dancers get onstage and perform the choreography for an iPad video. The One Everyone Hates is, unsurprisingly, chosen.

Farnsworth: “And the rest of you, I’m going to have come up and freestyle onstage two at a time.”

OneBadYamPajama: aside, to camera “Jesus, I am really not going to get this.”

The first two girls go up and look like two sorority girls trying to grind on a lamppost outside a college bar.

OneBadYamPajama: aside, to camera “Oh, well that’s promising.”

An arms race begins, with girls reducing clothing as much as possible before going onstage. Giant boots appear. Sequined clothing that poses a not unserious chafing risk is applied. The girls go up two at a time. 

Farnsworth: Points to OneBadYamPajama “Are you last?”

OneBadYamPajama: “Um, me and that other girl…” Points to At Least We’re Not That Girl, who has stuck around after being dismissed. 

Farnsworth: sighs “Sure. Both of you, come up.”

OneBadYamPajama and At Least We’re Not That Girl dance. Farnsworth perks up. 

Farnsworth: stops OneBadYamPajama. “What’s your name?”

OneBadYamPajama: “OneBadYamPajama.”

Farnsworth and Bubbly Dance Captain: sort through headshots

OneBadYamPajama: “That one.” points at headshot

Farnsworth: “Great.” puts headshot in a pile marked “keep”

Farnsworth: “Thanks ladies, we’ll call you.”

everyone leaves.

Taco Billhouse dances down back stairwell

And that, friends, is what it’s like to audition for The Cube.

It’s terrifying.

P.S. Please email me Farnsworth.

I just wanna DANCE!!

Love,

OneBadYamPajama

(That’s how you sign off on scripts, right?)

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