Rainbow Road and the Bad Idea Bear

7 Jun

This post sounds wholesome and fun, doesn’t it?  I bet you opened this thinking it would involve stuffed animals and come with a gift certificate for free pie. (It doesn’t). Or that I’m wearing an adorable sailor outfit and singing showtunes. (I’m not.) Actually, it can come with a free beer, if you like, but it’s a can of Tecate, it’s at my apartment and I only have one. I expect you to fight for it.

*Waits*

I went to St. Thomas recently, and in the course of my adventures on that pulchritudinous island (stay here. We booked the Cruzan apartment and it was cheap, private and lovely), I had to drive a rental car. Up precipitous mountain roads. On the left. It was surprisingly similar to playing the Rainbow Road level in Wii Mariokart, which I am abysmally bad at.

So you can imagine I was pretty bad at this, as well. What’s worse, I went with a friend of mine I like to call the Bad Idea Bear. She lives in my old apartment, The Haus of Mad, with Party Monster, Gay Meow Meow and the Pharmacist, so you can imagine that she’s one for a lot of nonsense.

Surprisingly, the Bad Idea Bear did a great job navigating from the airport to our mountainside inn, using such exemplary topographical instructions as:

“We’re supposed to turn at this overgrown planter”

“I think we should to turn left here. *points right*”

“AN IGUANA! *is useless for several minutes*”

We made it to the apartment without incident (although we later got pulled over by the police when she exhorted me to make a left turn on red). Then the Bad Idea Bear had an idea.

“I think we should go out every night, and we’ll take turns getting trashed so the sober one can drive!”

“Why, that’s a brilliant idea, Bad Idea Bear,” I said, and it was.  Until we did it, and I realized I had a drunk navigator and no clue how to get back to our hotel. It was like an episode of drunk history, but with explorers.

OneBad: “Do you remember if we turn at this bush?”

Bad Idea Bear: “BUSHES! IGUANAS!”

OneBad: “Uh, thanks.”  *turns at bush anyway. ends up next to an unrecognized fence.* “Dude. I have no idea where we are. Do you remember if we saw this fence?”

Bad Idea Bear: *unintelligibly Apple Facetiming with some guy in Seattle*

OneBad: “I’m thinking we might have to sleep here in this field in this mint green Ford Focus with rental plates and try not to die till morning. You okay with that?”

Bad Idea Bear: *asleep*

We made it back to the apartment by dint of a luckily placed ditch that angled my headlights at what may be the only recognizable road sign on St. Thomas. The worst part is that this isn’t even the first driving adventure I’ve had with the Bad Idea Bear. The last time we went on vacation, we drove a candy apple red street legal golf cart through the French Quarter in New Orleans. Bad Idea Bear got drunk on luxury whiskey at lunch, then threw beads at attractive men and police officers and offered everyone we passed a sip of her mint julep. Then she jumped off the golf cart, sprinted to a nearby playground, and attempted to do the monkey bars for 15 minutes.

[There is a video of this that I will hopefully put here soon. I’m talking to you, Bad Idea Bear]

All of this was hilarious until she passed out while we waited for the ferry in Algiers Point to take us back to the Quarter. Seeing as the golf cart has no doors, I kept picturing her slumping out of the cart along Canal Street and me dragging her by her seatbelt 20 blocks back to the Ritz-Carlton.

“Is she alright?” asked the ferry fare collector.

“Hard day. Long flight. Beads?  I mean, she’s wearing a seat belt, it should be fine. It’ll be fine. Who falls out of a golf cart? People don’t fall out of golf carts…”

The fare collector stares at me.

“Alright then.” *drives off*

If anyone’s got an idea for our next driving adventure, I’m taking suggestions.

I hear the Mongol Rally is safe and educational.

As for other things I’ve done lately that are scary, I finally succumbed to the Twitter! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Follow me and the like.

@Jacquidetwiler

Also, I just put my real name on my blog! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *races around apartment in terror. Hits head on wall. Falls on ground. Is attacked by feral house kittens.*

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One Response to “Rainbow Road and the Bad Idea Bear”

  1. Bad Idea Bear July 15, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    One Bad, you are forgetting a couple other road trip adventures. Por ejemplo: Tallahassee to Miami with Gay Meow Meow and Chocolate Bear and through Costa Rica (including a terrifying shipyard with armed guards) with some surfers we had just met.

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