Wednesday Lightning Round!

10 Mar

10 Questions I should have asked Lady Gaga

You know what was one of the scariest things I ever did?  It was interviewing Lady Gaga about her new Viva Glam campaign for my magazine, which I did just a couple of weeks ago.  It was made only slightly less terrifying by the fact that I was only allowed to talk to her about lipstick. Turns out it’s really hard to offend famous people by asking questions like, “What would you wear with this lipstick?” and “Why did you choose a honey beige?” Who knew?  But if I were allowed to ask Lady Gaga 10 ACTUAL questions, this is what I would ask:

1. Are you an alien?

2. Are your clothes made by aliens?

3. Have you ever eaten a man’s whole face? How about a man’s part face?

4. Charlie Sheen. discuss.

5. What is your opinion on star-nosed moles?  They’re fucking weird right? RIGHT?

6. Can you write me a song?  About… pencils?

7. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth?  (God help you if you say smooth)

8. Did you fart in that egg?  A lot of people fart before performances cause they’re nervous. It’s ok. You can tell me.

9. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

10. Are we best friends now? Can I have your phone number? You like whiskey right? I like whiskey. Let’s hang out. I have a horse!

…ok, no I don’t.

Musical Porns

You know what else is scary?  Porns that have movie titles. Cause what if one day I get an email from the casting director of Iron Man 12 and I’m like, “ohmigod, I’m gonna be faaaaaamous,  y’all!” and then I show up on the first day and Ron Jeremy is there and they like slap my ass and tell me to head off to the fluff room. What if?!

Anyway, I’ve recently realized there are a whole lot of musicals that would make AMAZING PORNS, and such as.

1. Wicked

2. Cats

3. Chicago (seriously, have you ever been there? SLUTTY!)

4. The King and I

5. A Whore-us Line

6. oh, oh, OHKLAHOMA!!

7. a West Side Whorey*

8. My Furr Lady

9. Merry Poppins

10. The Layin’ King


What the fuck is wrong with young people today?

In my recent net trollings, I have discovered the kidz using this:


to denote…surprise?  annoyance?  apathy?  It is frightening to me that I do not know what this new emoticon means. Also, people apparently can vary the length of its mouth to describe different levels of whatever feeling the thing is intended to convey. You know what? In my day, we had REAL emoticons. They looked like faces! And we couldn’t change how long their mouths were.  And none of this automatic rotating bullshit either! We had to turn our heads sideways just to figure out how the hell people felt about things. And even then, sometimes they had SUNGLASSES ON! 😎

Also, I had to walk uphill both ways to the library with no shoes to use a computer. And my parents beat me. And I ate nothing but rice and crunchy peanut butter.



*special thanks to the ha-Canadian for her contributions to musical porn.


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