The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy blog.

4 Jan

Neither my kitten nor my wing.

Did I say I was going to do one thing that scared me every day? No, I don’t think I said that. Clearly you misheard me, because quite obviously I have done no such thing.

Lazy or no, shit’s been terrifying out there for the last few weeks. First of all, I flew to Texas for the holidays, which is a scary enough prospect without also visiting a post-Christmas sale at a warehouse superstore with the unlikely name of “Hobby Lobby” so that my mom could add to her collection of Christmas trees (She has 22). What’s worse, this “Hobby Lobby” is neither a lobby, nor a place that sells coins, stamps or porn, the three things I consider most often collected. Neither does it contain model trains. This place, which I shall now call the Diversion Vestibule, sells pillows and silk flowers and is essentially a Bed, Bath and Beyond crammed into a Home Depot. As such, it exists in a nebulous no-man’s land of both hobby and lobby-dom, which upsets me in a Kafkaesque sort of way. They do have nice ball-shaped candles though, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Also, last week I realized that if you kind of squeeze a kitten’s upper arm, it feels remarkably like the big part of a chicken wing. This is disconcerting to me because, how am I supposed to sit down and enjoy a plate of gooey, spicy chicken wings if they make me think of eating kittens? How, I ask you?  Probably the ideal solution to this is to stop squeezing kittens’ arms and never think of it again, but anyone who’s ever owned a kitten can tell you that there is nary a heaven like squeezing kitten arms. I think I’m going to have to give up the chicken wings instead.  

Finally, there was New Years Eve, when the following exchange occurred:

[translated from the original drunk]

Guy I will call Patrick Bateman: “Think I can do a bump in here?”

One Bad Yam Pajama: “On the L train platform surrounded by several hundred people? That sounds reasonable.”

Bateman: “Maybe you guys should hide me.”

Friend who is rolling her face off: “I am rolling my face off right now.”

Friend who is no longer rolling her face off: “Yeah, man, you said.”

Bateman: [Looks strangely at the face offs] “So, all you guys turn around or something.”

[Everyone turns around]

Bateman:  “So, this is pretty obvious now, with everybody in a semicircle looking the other way. Some of you turn back around.”

[Everyone turns back around]

Face Off: “I am rolling my face off right now!”

Bateman: “This is… not working.”

To recap: The L train is no place for drugs, just say no to chicken wings… and start collecting them ball candles before the Pastime Anteroom comes up with something worse.


2 Responses to “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy blog.”

  1. mandarip January 4, 2011 at 2:38 am #

    you crack me up!! and I worked at Hobby Lobby in high school so I understand perfectly!

  2. BEK January 4, 2011 at 3:32 am #

    I just laughed my ass off! Thank you for sharing….

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